SCENE - MR. GARRISON'S CLASS

MR. GARRISON: Ok, children, I just wanted to remind all you boys in the class that the 5th annual Father and Son Picnic is on Saturday.

STAN: Wow! The Father and Son Picnics are the best.

KYLE: Yeah! Hey, Kenny, is your dad going to enter the drinking contest again?

KENNY: (Of course!)

CARTMAN: Damn, Kenny! Can't your dad go anywhere without drinking?

KENNY: (Well, at least I can go, fat ass! You don't even have a dad.)

EVERYONE LAUGHS.

CARTMAN: Ay!

MR. GARRISON: Anyway, children, you don't have to come with your dad but if you come you have to bring a man of some sort.

CARTMAN: Hey! Wait a minute, I can go. My mom is my dad so therefore I do have a dad.

KYLE: That's true but Mr. Garrison said that it has to be a man.

CARTMAN RAISES HIS HAND.

MR. GARRISON: Yes Eric?

CARTMAN: What if your mom is your dad, then can you go?

MR. GARRISON: No, Eric. Now if you had of been listening earlier I said they have to be a MAN of some sort.

CARTMAN: Oh, goddamnit!

KYLE: I told you, dude.

KYLE'S HOUSE.

KYLE: Dude, I can't wait until Saturday!

CARTMAN: I wish I could go.

STAN: You can, all you have to do is find someone to take you.

CARTMAN: Yeah, but who would take me.

STAN: I don't know but you have to go there. It's the best! I know I can't wait to go.

KENNY: (Me, either! I love the Father and Son Picnic.)

CARTMAN: I'm surprised that your family can afford it, Kenny.

KENNY: (You know, Cartman, you have no right to be talking about anyone else's family because you have a dysfunctional family.)

CARTMAN: What do you mean dysfunctional?

STAN: I think what he means is that you have a mother whose really your father, you have no clue who your birth mother is and your mom has slept with every man and woman in town.

KYLE AND KENNY LAUGH.

CARTMAN: Ok, that does it! Screw you guys...I'm going home.

KYLE'S DAD ENTERS THE ROOM.

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Eric, wait.

CARTMAN: Yeah?

MR. BROSLOFSKI: I heard the whole thing and, if you wouldn't mind, I'll take you to the Father and Son Picnic.

KYLE: WHAT!?!

CARTMAN: Sweet! Sure, I'll go! Is that ok with you, Kyle?

KYLE: Huh? Oh, yeah, it's ok with me...

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Ok, just be here on Saturday around 1:30.

CARTMAN: I'll be here. (Singing) I'm going to the Father and Son Picnic, I'm going to the Father and Son Picnic.

STAN: (to Kyle) Dude, that's a nice thing you're doing for Cartman, letting him go to the Father and Son Picnic with YOUR dad.

KYLE: Yeah...sure, whatever...

SATURDAY AFTERNOON AT KYLE'S HOUSE. (Kyle is sitting up in his room.)

KYLE: I can't believe that my dad is taking Cartman and not me to the Father and Son Picnic! What if my dad forgets all about me...?

KYLE IS IMAGINING. MR. AND MRS. BROSLOFSKI ARE WITH CARTMAN AND IKE.

MRS. BROSLOFSKI: Boobie, do you want some more pancakes?

CARTMAN: Yes, please.

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Hey, Eric, how about after breakfast we go and buy toys?

CARTMAN: Can we get some cheesy poofs on the way?

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Of course, son.

CARTMAN: Sweet!

KYLE BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR.

KYLE: MOM! DAD!

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Who the hell are you?

KYLE: It's me: your son Kyle!

MRS. BROSLOFSKI: What, What, What? The only two sons we have are Eric and Ike.

KYLE: Eric isn't your son, I am!

MR. BROSLOFSKI: That's it! I'm calling the police!

OFFICER BARBRADY ENTERS.

OFFICER BARBRADY: What seems to be the trouble?

MR. BROSLOFSKI: This kid broke into my house claming to be my son.

KYLE: But I am your son!

MR. BROSLOFSKI: NO, YOU'RE NOT!

OFFICER BARBRADY: Ok, let's go. I think you've caused enough trouble for one day.

OFFICER BARBRADY TAKES KYLE AWAY.

KYLE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

BACK TO REALITY.

KYLE: Oh, my God! I have to make sure my parents don't forget about me.

THE DOORBELL RINGS. CARTMAN, STAN, KENNY, MRS. CARTMAN, MR. MARSH, AND MR. MCCORMICK ENTER.

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Oh, I see you guys are ready. Come on in.

MRS. BROSLOFSKI: Eric, you look great. I'm sure you have a great time at your first Father and Son Picnic.

MRS. CARTMAN: Gerald, I just want to thank you again for taking my little Eric to the Father and Son Picnic.

MR. BROSLOFSKI: No problem, DeeAnn. Come on, we're going to be late.

KYLE RUNS DOWNSTAIRS.

KYLE: Dad! Wait! You can't go!

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Why not, Kyle?

KYLE: Because uh...I don't feel so good!

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Well, what's wrong, Kyle?

KYLE: My tummy hurts.

MRS. BROSLOFSKI: It's ok, boobie. I'm here; I'll take care of you.

KYLE: No! I want Dad to take care of me!

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Now, Kyle, I promised Eric that I would take him to the Father and Son Picnic.

CARTMAN: It's ok. Maybe you should stay home and take care of Kyle.

THEN HE RUNS OUTSIDE.

MRS. CARTMAN: Eric, dear, come back!

STAN: We'll go talk to him. Come on Kenny!

KENNY: OK.

MR. BROSLOFSKI: (to Kyle) And I need to talk to you, young man.

KYLE: Yes, dad?

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Come with me upstairs.

THEY WALK UPSTAIRS.

MR. BROSLOFSKI: I don't know what the hell your problem is but what you did to Eric was a very selfish thing!

KYLE: I'm sorry, Dad, but you and Cartman were spending so much time together and I thought you and mom were going to forget about me.

KYLE STARTS CRYING.

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Kyle, we will never forget about you. You were just a little jealous.

KYLE: (sniffling) Well, I guess I better go talk to Cartman.

MR. BROSLOFSKI: Yes, I think you should.

KYLE GOES OUTSIDE AND SEES CARTMAN, STAN, KENNY.

STAN: We'll leave you two alone.

STAN AND KENNY LEAVE.

KYLE: Cartman, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for ruining your chances of going to your first Father and Son Picnic.

CARTMAN: Oh, hell! I guess I'm sorry for stealing your dad.

KYLE: You don't have to be sorry. Go ahead with my dad. You can borrow him anytime you want except for Saturdays, that'S when we spend time together.

CARTMAN: Kyle you're a really great friend to have around even though we don't get along all the time.

EVERYONE COMES OUTSIDE.

MR. MCCORMICK: Are you guys ready? I want to get to that drinking contest.

KENNY: (Let's go!)

THEY ALL START TO LEAVE.

KYLE: Bye, guys! Have fun!

MRS. BROSLOFSKI: Boobie, I'm so proud of you.

KYLE: Thanks, Mom. I just hope that Cartman is having a good time.

THE END